I always saw myself as someone with good intention, good morals and a good heart.
As for intentions, I have always made sure that I enter into something with good intentions and I thoroughly think my decision through before acting. My intentions in anything have always been positive, whether or not the result ended the same way.
As for morals, I grew up knowing what was good and what was bad just like any other human being on this earth. My parents were very careful in raising me up to love myself and to know that the decisions that I make will affect me for the rest of my life. They taught me about consequences and how life threatening and uncomfortable they could be. I grew up being taught good decision making and to love myself regardless of what I do in life. I was taught that life is going to be difficult and uneasy at times but its what we do with our downfalls that defines us as an individual.
As for love, I have grown up with an enormous heart. I have learned to love unconditionally and to love without expectation. That love knows no boundaries. I was taught to love myself and who I am and to love others with that same intensity and fullness. I feel that I have a very strong view on love and how it is assembled, personally in life.
Recently I have gone through a situation that has challenged all three of these things. Everything that I once knew to be true has fallen into this hole of confusion that I am not sure exactly how to get out of. I made a decision that the person that I knew I was, would never had made. My intentions were the best at the time. My morals however, suddenly cleared from my mind in that exact moment. My heart was instantly filled with pain and regret. My love for myself has dwindled completely. I feel as if I don't know myself anymore and I found myself challenging the thought of who I was in the first place. I find myself broken and sometimes even feeling numb only for a moment so I don't have to feel at all. I think to myself how much easier it would be if I didn't feel anything, only to come to the realization that I NEED to feel something in order to learn from my actions. I NEED to feel something in order to be prepared for the consequences that I may have to endure for this time in my life.
As for this very moment I feel regretful. I regret ever letting my mind get to a point where my morals and who I was disappeared. I feel regret that I put someone else's life, including my own in danger. I find myself thinking about the "What ifs" but I know that I cant do anything about it. What is done is done. That's how life falls into place.
I feel lost. I feel like I have lost everything that once made me smile. Now it's hard to smile and when I do, I feel like I don't deserve it. I feel like I don't deserve happiness or joy. I feel regretful even letting a smile appear on my face, let alone humoring any sort of situation. I've become this shell of myself and I believe that it is necessary to feel such things to become a stronger person at the end of all of this. I need to remember who I was.
The truth behind it is, its not who I "was". I am still that person. That kind, loving and moral girl. I lost sight of what I knew was right for only a moment and that is going to cost me. I have to suffer the consequences and I am glad that I do, or else there would be no lesson to learn. I made a huge mistake and it is something that I am going to have to live with for the rest of my life. I am trying to take the steps to forgive myself because in the end, I will have learned many things that I would not have been forced to learn without it. This is now a prat of who I am and instead of hating it, I need to embrace what I am being taught and know that I will prevail through this, regardless of how I feel at this present time. I know who I am. I know who I want to be in the conclusion of the situation. I am trying to be strong and remember these things. I have a hard road ahead of me and I am thankful that I have God on my side to get me through it all. That doesn't mean that I wont cry because I feel alone and I feel saddened by the circumstances of which I'm in. It doesn't mean that I wont have negative thoughts about myself for a time. It doesn't mean that I wont hate myself in the process. It doesn't mean that I will stay unforgiven in my own eyes for a period. It means that mistakes are the chapters in your book of life to help you learn a new lesson and to be hopeful that what you're going through will not only help you but others in the long run.
I may feel like I have lost myself in this process. Somehow, Some way I will find myself again and learn to forgive myself as well as I have learned to forgive others for their mistakes. I will learn to love myself again, in the way that I have been taught to love others that have made mistakes. I can't give up and I pray everyday that I wont.
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